How Parents Can Best Help Their Children Through A Divorce
Last month the UK government announced that divorce laws in England and Wales were to undergo their most radical transformation in half a century. To the relief of most family law Solicitors, the Judiciary, and family advocate and support groups, fault-based divorce is to be abolished.
One of the main beneficiaries of the reforms will be children. At present, the only ground for divorce is that your marriage has irretrievably broken down due to:
- Adultery
- Unreasonable behaviour
- Desertion
- Two years separation (with consent)
- Five years separation (no consent required)
Almost two-thirds of divorcing couples in England and Wales cite adultery or unreasonable behaviour as the cause of the irretrievable breakdown of their marriage. This means that to obtain a divorce, one spouse must accuse the other of having an affair or detail examples of why they found their husband or wife’s behaviour impossible to live with.
Naturally, such accusations, being made public, often cause bitter resentment and animosity. It can also lead to protracted divorce proceedings, which devastate the family finances and result in years of emotional stress.
And after spending over 20 years as a family Solicitor, I can assure you, no one suffers more for this than the children of the marriage.
Under the new reforms, rather than having to provide evidence relating to behaviour or separation, divorcing spouses will be required to make a statement that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.
But until the changes are brought in by Parliament, parents need to support their children the best they can through divorce proceedings. Before detailing how that can be achieved, let’s look at the impact divorce can have on the young.
The effect of divorce on children
It used to be believed that divorce mostly affected older children and the very young were left fairly unscathed. However, research has shown this not to be the case. A study on children aged two to four years showed emotional behaviour problems are more common in children whose parents are no longer together. And academically, younger children are shown to be more adversely affected by divorce than teenagers.
These results may indicate that due to the inability to understand complex emotions and situations, younger children may be more likely to blame themselves for their parent’s separation. However, adolescents also feel the pain of divorce; around a quarter experience difficulty. This can come in the form of substance and alcohol abuse, declining academic achievement, early sexual behaviour, and rebellion.
How to support your children during a divorce
No matter how well you manage your divorce, the fact is your children’s world will be disrupted, and they will have to learn to adjust to a new ‘normal’. Regardless of how you feel about each other, the way you communicate and interact with your spouse will have a dramatic effect on how your children cope. Having spent over 20 years as a family law Solicitor and as a member of Resolution, an organisation of lawyers who believe in resolving family conflict in a non-confrontational way, here are my tips for supporting your children whilst you are going through a divorce:
- Above all, make sure your children know that you and your spouse love them and the divorce is in no way their fault.
- Expect adverse behaviour. Children, both young and old, often struggle to communicate what they are feeling. Signs your child may be struggling include problems at school, extreme anger, bedwetting, saying they have a “sore tummy”, and isolating themselves in their room. Try and get your children to talk about how they are feeling and acknowledge their emotions.
- If you find it hard to communicate with your spouse, try using co-parenting apps such as 2houses or OurFamilyWizard to organise attending school events, homework, and pick-ups and drop-offs to each other’s houses.
- Don’t force your children to be your confidant and counsellor. Talk to your adult friends or seek professional support – a child does not have the emotional maturity to absorb your pain and are likely to blame themselves in some way.
- Let your children have their own thoughts and reactions and acknowledge that how they are feeling is normal and OK, even if it is different from how you are experiencing events.
Final words
Divorce is never easy, and regardless of the circumstances, and many of my clients feel guilty about how the separation is affecting their children. As a member of Resolution, I am committed to helping my clients and their children maintain strong family bonds and move on to a bright future.
The website familylives.org.uk can provide support and resources on coping during a divorce. In addition, our family law team can direct you to other services and counsellors specialising in working with families.
Author: As co-director and head of family law, Shabana Sultana has over 20 years’ experience in family law and children’s law. To book a free phone consultation to discuss arrangements for your children following divorce, please call on 020 3753 4667 or email
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